The Near Fatal Drownings of the Summer of 2021

May 2021

I am on vacation in beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Me, my mom, and my friend Brianna are ankle deep in the waves looking out and admiring the beautiful oceanic views. As we are standing there, Brianna notes that some man's head keeps bobbing up and down in the water. Brianna points it out and says, "Does he need help? He looks like he's drowning." My mom does not even look towards the general direction of where the man is in the ocean, she is just happily soaking in the sun rays when she replies, "he's fine, he's just having fun."

This is what my mom looked like when she said "he's fine"

We take her word for it, but not even a minute passes before we hear gurgled yelps of "help me." Brianna and I lock eyes, and we both spring into action. She runs to shore to find help on land as I start ferociously swimming to the drowning man (later to be identified as Jon).

Meanwhile, my mom alerts my brother-in-law, Zach, that I may need some help out there. Once Zach finally computes what my mom was asking of him, he uses his average speed and ordinary athleticism to do what he can to help.

Live action footage of Zach coming to help me rescue Jon

I get to where Jon is, and I quickly realize that I am going to need some assistance. Jon looks to have a BMI of approximately 57 ( a.k.a dummy thicc). I ask Jon if he is alright, but he has that crazed look in his eyes that indicates full on panic has set in. He doesn't even let me finish my sentence before he fully wraps his arms around my shoulders and uses my body to fully support him. I am treading water with Jon on my strong wide back, trying to inch us closer to shore when Zach finally shows up. With both of us at the scene, we were able to start towing Jon to shore. Eventually, others see us and gather around to help.

We get Jon to shore, and I ask Brianna to get him some water. All that's close by is my brand-new Disney-All-Day-Everyday water bottle that I got at Disneyland just a few weeks before. I was hesitant to let Jon use it, but I knew he needed the water badly. But as soon as Jon finished up his sip, I saw a thick mucoid strand of saliva stemming from his lip to my water bottle. I nearly went catatonic in that moment.

Jon's saliva strand

Jon ended up being a really nice guy and he was super grateful for us. We all gave him a pat on his hairy back, and he went on his way as he walked off into the sunset. I never saw him again.

However, much to me and Brianna's surprise there was no news coverage of our heroism. We were only left with hairy palms and a mucus-covered water bottle.

September 2021, Labor Day

It is Labor Day. My family and a few friends get together to have some drinks and barbeque down by the Neuse River. To start off the day, my boyfriend, Jake, decides to take a dip in the river. Not even two minutes into his swim, he begins to scream and writhe in agony. I go over to him to ask what is wrong, and he just holds up his foot. A giant fishhook is ever so slightly stuck into the meat of his big toe.

I am sitting on the shoreline with Jake, helping him recover from his near fatal accident when I am quickly brought back to reality by panicked splashes and cries for help. Two young girls and young women are drowning in the middle of the Neuse River. Zach and I shoot each other a glance as if to say not again. But I'd been through this once before, and I know what to do. I shout, "they need help!" And I dart out to save them. My sister, Jake, and friends follow suit. We get them safely to land. But what ensues after that is absolute chaos.

The youngest girl does not look well. She is not breathing normally, she is very lethargic, and she can't speak. Nobody speaks English here. I tell my mom to call 911. My mom is telling everyone "CALM DOWN! They are all nurses!" My sister is yelling at my mom to stop. Nina, our dog, is stealing burnt hamburger patties and running into the woods to eat them. People come over to help translate for us. EMS arrives at the scene and starts asking "does anyone hablo ingles around here?" People are starting to swarm the area around us. I hear distant complaints from Zach that he's hungry. My mom is stopping the EMS workers in their tracks to tell them how we are all healthcare workers, further delaying care. Jake is still complaining about his toe. They try giving the little girl oxygen, but I realize the O2 tank is empty. Nina is then done with the patties and starts stealing people's soccer balls from across the river. The EMS workers are getting more oxygen and loading the victims into the ambulance. Everyone is running around, people are shouting, babies are crying and the little girl who almost drowned is clinging to life. Ans amidst all this chaos, Zach is absolutely nowhere to be found. I look back and see him flipping the chicken on the grill with not a care in the world.

It's so ironic too, because just minutes prior to the drowning Zach was bragging that he had just completed his CPR certification the day before, so if anything happens, he knows what to do. When I ask him where he was, he said "No one was manning the grill, and I didn't want to escalate the situation with a fire on our hands. So, I took it upon myself to look after the food. Plus, I am really hungry and didn't want the chicken to burn."

Classic Zach.

Zachawee in the flesh

The important thing was all the girls got the help they needed. The story made front page news a few days later.

Suspiciously, our rescue efforts were left out again. I was perplexed by the repeated lack of recognition in the media. However, saving lives has enough value in itself. The true moral of the story is that if Zach and I are together, and even remotely close to a body of water, someone is going to drown.

P.S.

Zach has requested that I show a more flattering picture of him. For pure legal purposes and anti-defamatory precautions, I am sharing this photo down below, which depicts him in a different light.

Also Zachawee