New Orleans Solved All of My Problems

My mom once told me that I only became pretty when I turned 20, and I thought that was the biggest transformation I would go through. I was wrong. That was nothing compared to the transformation I underwent in New Orleans. I came out of there a completely different person. Let me tell you the tale...

My cousin goes to Tulane, right in the heart of New Orleans. Me and my mom decided to go visit him back in late March of 2021. New Orleans is the most magical place on earth, it quite literally has magic within its streets that will change a person, and I was no exception to that. As soon as I got off the plane and landed in that New Orleans' airport, I felt the magic start to work. I cannot even describe what it feels like to be in that city. It was like I finally knew what it felt like to be alive. On our final day we went to a place called the Audubon Zoo. In that park was a tree. I believe this tree had mystical powers.

As soon as my hand touched this tree, I felt possessed by the magical powers shooting out from the tree and coursing into my veins. It felt a little something like this:

My transformation was then complete.

Afterwards, I remember sitting in the airport, waiting to go back home feeling just a little different. Though I didn't look different, and I didn't act different, there was something about me that had slightly changed. It was intangible, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

The first day I noticed something was off was when I went to the gym and three different men hit on me. Granted, the gym was a planet fitness, but still - this kind of thing never happened to me in real life. I was almost never approached by men face to face. The first guy was from California. He said he was just visiting his parents for spring break, and he offered to buy me a flight to go back with him to California. It was probably the most grand and romantic gesture someone has ever made for me after only knowing me for a few moments. When I graciously declined, he said, "why not? what else do you have to do?" You've got to love a persistent king. I informed him that there was nothing I would want more than to be whisked away to the far away hills of California. But unfortunately, I had to go to work next week. He understood, but he was devastated. I remember walking away from that transaction utterly confused and stunned. What even was that?

As I was leaving the gym, one of my favorite gym workers stopped me. I called him warm-pocket-candy-guy, because he would always have candy in his pant pockets that he would give to me. But he must've had a higher-than-normal body temperature, because the candy was always slightly melted. Looking back, I took a lot of candy from him, and I didn't even know him. I probably shouldn't have done that, but he built a great rapport with me by giving me little treats. So, when he stopped me, I didn't think anything of it besides maybe he was just going to give me my usual sweets. But instead, he said, "we were worried about you. You didn't come into the gym for a few days." I explained to him that I worked four shifts in a row and then I went on a trip to New Orleans. He said, "New Orleans?! You must be rich to take a trip like that. I tell you what, if you have that kind of money that means you can take me out on a fancy date... And you can pay for it." He then winked at me and bobbled his eyebrows a few times. He was dead serious about this proposition, too. I politely told him I didn't have that kind of money, but I was honored that he thought so highly of me and saw me as such a financially independent woman that he asked ME to take HIM on a date and finance the endeavor. He took the rejection well and offered me some warm-pocket candy, which I took. But I was taken aback by his brazen request. The amount of confidence he had was concerning. Nonetheless, I appreciated what some could say was bravery and what others could say was just an utter lack of a decent social mating strategy.

I walked out of those planet fitness doors shaking my head, confused on how not one, but two, people approached me that day. That just didn't happen. Did I just look exceptionally beautiful at the gym? It was quite possible. But when I heard, "Hey yo Ma!", just before I opened my car door, I froze, thinking this is just unbelievable, he cannot be talking to me! Oh, but he was. He said his name was Gerald, and he wore his pants real low on the hips. He also had some gaping holes in his mouth where his teeth should've been, so he spoke with a sort of whithle. He had his old, very badly beaten-up car running and asked me if I wanted to get in and go for a ride. It seemed like people just wanted so badly to spend time with me! I told him, "I have to get home because Mother is cooking supper." I turned to get into my car, and he said, "WAIT! I have cash!" He proceeded to pull out a huge wad of cash and fan it out for me to see copious amounts of hundred-dollar bills. He said he had very lucrative business, and he could give me a great life. A very tempting offer I admit. But I declined and thanked him for his unique and endearing attempts to win my love.

I got into my car and just sat there, absolutely flabbergasted. The caliber of men who hit on me were admittedly low, but I was flattered just the same. I was trying to wrap my head around what I went through. My thoughts were as follows: well, it is April 1st. Maybe all those guys were in on this together and were playing some sort of April fools' prank on me. Maybe I go to this gym all the time and my patterns were being stalked and I just avoided three different attempts of sex trafficking. But then it hit me. I stopped in my tracks and slowly looked up at myself, wide-eyed and crazed, in my rearview mirror and whispered..."NOLA." The transformation I underwent in New Orleans was finally getting me noticed! It only took 23 years and one trip to the city on the Mississippi for me to finally have my time to shine.

My luck had changed for the better, not only with men - but with every aspect of life. I looked in the mirror and I had a certain glow about me. People began to recognize my new sense of confidence and swagger. Everywhere I went, I walked around like this:

I had been given a second chance at life. I decided I wasn't going to waste it. Instead, I took advantage of this time and did things I normally wouldn't.

I took up new hobbies like ghost-hunting with my cousin.

I tried new adventures with old friends.

I traveled and made my lifelong dream of going to Disney World come true.

And most importantly I started dating again. I had never had much luck in that department, and I eventually kind of just gave up. My mom, out of fear of me being alone forever and never getting grandkids out of me, lovingly forced me to re-download hinge. The power of NOLA must've still been alive and strong within me, because a few days after downloading the app, I met Jake. Jake and I got married this past January, and I am as happy as a clam.

So, take it from me, if you need your luck to change, crave a new sense of adventure, want to become a better person, or have the desire to acquire a spouse, visit New Orleans. Literally, all of your problems will be solved.